Why Men fear Commitment?

Relationships are not an easy task to navigate around. You have to compromise, sacrifice and change yourself to ensure you are a better fit for your partner, who also does the same. Relationships need love, spontaneity, discipline and perseverance to last. You have to be strong enough to hold two people together when one is down and be vulnerable enough to call for help rather than letting things collapse.

Relationships need commitment. Scary right?! Men are afraid to commit, this is a fact that people uphold. It is not like it automatically makes any man a Fuckboi just because they are not ready to commit. It is just that to commit to a relationship, one needs to invest emotions. Emotional investment is something our men are not taught. We have forced the ideal of distant heartless man, unfazed by emotions, supporting their family for so long that men just don’t know how to not be that. This often leads to collapsed relations, “all men are dogs” and broke people. Plus the whole mockery of being a simp in relationship worsens the already existing pressure on men.

Men do not have open dialogues on feelings, sex, emotions and trauma the way women do with close friends. Wome have pooled knowledge and emotional support from other women to guide them through troubles of relationships. Men, often have to deal with their issues alone, often without the slightest idea of their friend knowing it. Lack of these systems serves as a disadvantage in a relationship for men. How do you expect a man to be so in tune with his emotions and be sensitive and vulnerable when no one ever told them how? It is not that “boys are broken”, they are never trained for it and, now you expect them to know it all on their own.

Let us not even talk about sex and Intimacy! The number of jokes and trolls on unsatisfying sex I see being made on men is appalling. I have NEVER seen the same troll for women, is it that we inherently believe that women are perfect in sex or do women themselves feel they are just a “void to be filled”. We expect men to be gods of sex from day 1 and be the king of romance like Ryan Gosling. Funny how the whole courting ritual falls as an onus on man, puts a lot of pressure on guys. He has to plan dates, he has to make shit romantic, he has to walk the extra mile; Why does the world want him to do it? These efforts scare men, not because of the sheer volume, but they often fruit into fights and disappointments. I see girls rant about how their guy ain’t treating them like a queen, trust me, you are not half a queen you assume to be.

The pressure of being successful, independent and earning is daunting on a man. The idea of stay at home dad, or a man earning less than his partner is ghastly for society and keeps tormenting a man to not go down these roads. Men are supposed to be their families’ support, successful in work, earn a good income, make time for family, make time for friends, break institutions of stereotypes and still be like decent looking and tall. Yikes! This is too much. For a person who just has beer bottles and cricket sessions as bonding exercises, this is a whole lot overwhelming. Then we push the idea of a romantic euphoria in these underprepared men, and when the going gets tough, they have no choice to bail. Who we blame? Men! Who is to blame? This whole system!

Also, no matter how rampant slut-shaming is, failure of any relationship is mostly attributed to men. This is partly because of the sympathetic narrative created by liberal people and partly due to the submissive women narrative created by close-minded people. I will not deny the system has bad men, they are and they should be flushed out. Sadly, we often overlook bad women and feel, it must have been the guy’s fault that things went haywire. These things make it easier for men to keep it “Light and Breezy” despite their eagerness to take things deeper.

I have seen men tear and rebuild themselves, unappreciated and unseen only to be called “not serious enough” by their partners. I write this as a piece for all my ladies as a request. Request to help make space for men to learn and be in tune with their emotional self so that no sane women blame them alone for a sabotaged relationship.
And guys, you need to demand more. Demand to be not a piece of rock or a knight in shining armour. You need to ensure you are heard and seen and keep fighting to undo the past and create a generation of men unafraid to commit!